What do you think of this poem I just wrote? I'm 18. Please be honest!!?

I wrote this poem for my friend, Destinee. We went to school together for 3/4 of a year, and I had to leave the school, because my depression had gotten so bad and I just couldn't handle it. The hardest thing I ever had to do was to walk out of those doors, and see her standing on the other side. The time that I was there, we were good good friends. We kept each other alive. And after I left, we talked for awhile, and then she sort of disappeared. She still talks to me sometimes, but I know she's not okay. I'll always love her, and I want her to know that, so I wrote this. But I want to know if it's any good or not.


So let me know, k? :-)





"It's been 3 years,


And still, you're gone.


And I'm left wondering


What went wrong?


I said I'd never leave you,


That I'd always be there.


But still you turned and walked away,


Like you never even cared.


You tell me that you're sorry,


That you don't push me away.


But every day that you don't answer,


Makes it harder for me to stay.
What do you think of this poem I just wrote? I'm 18. Please be honest!!?
I %26lt;3 it!!! Its awsome, I know cause I'm a poet myself
What do you think of this poem I just wrote? I'm 18. Please be honest!!?
Its a good poem but the first part seems sad. It might make her feel bad. (just my opinion)
Reply:It's ok. It reads like a song lyric to me, so where's the tune?
Reply:Sort of boring and absolutely FULL of literary cliche, to be honest. Pop song-esque. You must really explore language... Poetry isn't just a flat form. You need to keep in mind figures of speech, diction, sound, symbol, et cetera... There are so many little details that create a wonderful poem, and you are definitely missing most of 'em.
Reply:I'm sorry, I'm a little intrigued, but mostly I think it's corny and maudlin.





The intriguing bits are what seem like a wavering sense of time and story, including the contradiction between "three years," "just like that," and the implied ongoing struggle where you switch to present tense and "every day." Also the "you walked" and "I'll never walk away" contradict your story where it was you who left the school, but I don't know what to make of that. The "went wrong" / "was wrong" sequence surprised me (pleasantly), as did the "I'd never leave...you...walked away".





Faded out ... walk away wasn't quite what I expected either, but I can't put my finger on why. But these expressions, along with "you're gone", "always be there", "turned and walked away", "push me away," and more, are trite; they're so familiar and overused no starkness or punch remains. It does read like a pop song (due to the meter as well as the language?), and if you're musical, you might want to set it to music to add an extra layer of information.





The sum of the interesting bits is a confused picture, but it could be a playing out of how changeable our memories and our understanding of relationships is, like in reality this has been over, but sometimes you think it's not, and your memories of who ended it and how and why are always fuzzy and kinda dreamlike, and they change over time. But none of these interesting bits appears until line 7.





Finally, I apologize in case I get this all wrong, but I'm not sure I would give this to your friend. You say you're concerned about her, but it sounds like the friendship is over, and the poem doesn't offer comfort or conciliation; it's more like a reproachful parting (or long past parting) shot. I just don't see her appreciating it or your not being embarassed by it 5-10 years hence. If a person doesn't want to be friends, it's sort of aggressive to insist on telling them that you'll always love them, anyway. If she's not returning your calls, let her go.

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